sepiaskinnedsiren:

a few hours from now
morning will rise
in the east &
the moon shall have
its sleep but i know these
eyes of mine
will have no rest.
it’s hard when your
demons beg for your
attention, they’ll tire you out
& keep you awake.

I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.

When all the leaves have fallen from the trees you know it’s autumn and winter will soon follow. The warm air of the summer becomes only a memory and you almost forget what it feels like. The days become short and the evenings long and it feels as if the entire world has slowed down. A sleepy and dreary world you now live in and the warm air of spring feels like it will never arrive. Until one day you wake up to a single blossom growing on a tree outside your window. It is only one blossom but you know it’s a sign of more to come. More beauty, more life and a new beginning. It renews hope in you that things will get better. That good things still exist, that life will continue and that love will find its way back to you once again.

It will be last year now when I made the move. When I ran away. It was an impulsive move. I didn’t think much about it. I just did it. I packed what little I had in my Kia hatch back with my heart beating fast and fearful of the unknown that awaited me out there. Out there. Out there where I’d no longer have my safety net. Out there in the void that created a void in me. The empty black hole of complete despair.

I guess I was trying to locate a foundation. I wanted a rock I could stand on. I’m reminded of the man who built his house on the sand and the man who built his house on the rock. Perhaps I’m the man who was trying to build on the sand.

For a period of time there seemed to be some stability. Some kind of bliss. Some kind of love. Then the waves would come. Sometimes the waves where small and did little damage. Sometimes the waves where large and created great destruction making it nearly impossible to recover from. With this unending battle I grew weary. There remained a perpetual rebuilding yet I didn’t want to give up. On the day I left was the day I discovered there was nothing left to rebuild with. No more love to come back too. No more trust. the waves had swept it away.

The person I loved seemed to only exist in a dream even though I woke up next to him every morning. He was present but his love felt unattainable. He was my star that I would gaze at in night but would never actually touch. Looking back on that now, I wonder,did I really love him?

It’s early afternoon on Monday and I’m laying in bed. The brown curtains of my room glow warm from the sun that is beckoning me to free myself from the confinement of loneliness. My body is tired and weak and does not desire to move much. I’ve been drinking heavily 3 nights in a row and it has taken its toll on mind and body. Today I was to be at work at 4 am. I called in sick. I question myself as I lay here in a dark room with the low hum of a dirty little fan and the dancing reflection of water on the ceiling from the pool below. I question my reasons for drinking so much. Am I depressed? Yeah without a doubt. It’s been an underlying issue for quite some time now. Its A nagging little fly buzzing at my ear that never goes away. I’m always trying to avoid it. On days like today I’m only reminded of its existence. It has an entity, an ugly devious face that laughs at me when I succumb to such self destruction. It speaks to me. “I’m still here” it says with an evil smirk. I want to hit it! I want to smack the grotesque face! I want it to leave me alone and torture some other soul. I know when it’s looking at me. I feel the heaviness of its stare and I get nervous. I want it to stop but it doesn’t. The solution is a drink to calm the nerves. The drink helps me to forget that the grotesque creature is there. However, the drink is only a temporary fix. When I’ve consumed more than my fill of drink I awaken the next morning to find the creature is still there mocking me with its laughter. Pointing the ugly finger. It takes pleasure in my suffering. I lay in bed feeling helpless and hopeless. One day I know I will over power the creature. The creature cannot win forever. One day the suffering it causes will cease and I will be the one laughing. I will be the one on top. My feet will stomp on its ugly pointy fingers. It will be powerless and I will feel joy. For today I’m still under its control. I will do what I can to ease the suffering. The battle in my mind continues and I hold on to the hope that peace will reign in my soul again.